Thursday May 5 - The Day I Made the Choice to Stop Working Out
Thursday May 5, 2016 was a mostly normal day: I woke up at 4:47 to be at GetFit615 by 5:40 to teach the 6am class. I joined some friends to workout at 7:10. I had a coffee meeting, I taught a class, I had another meeting, and then I got the rest of my classes covered for that day and the upcoming weekend… because, on this particular Thursday, my body was done. I knew it the minute I woke up. I knew it on the very first burpee that I did at 7:10. In fact, I chose to leave the class early. I made the choice to stop working out. I knew it throughout the class I taught at GetFit615. I knew it when I went to Whole Foods to stock up on all the usual goodies, aka ass loads of soup, coconut water, ginger/lemon/cayenne shots, and fresh fruit. Brandon, my favorite Whole Foods employee, asked me how I was. I told him I was getting sick. With a puzzled look on his face, he said, “You seem fine.” I explained that I was, but by the time tomorrow rolled around I wouldn’t be getting out of my bed for a minimum of two days. I’ve been here. I’ve done this. I’ve felt this. I’ve made it through.
But this time it was different. It lasted for much longer than usual. My sinuses stayed clogged. My exhaustion stuck around. My body continued to feel heavy.
So I made a promise to myself - I wasn’t even going to think about practicing in the hot room at Shakti Power Yoga, I wasn’t even going to think about sweating or participating in classes at GetFit615, I wasn’t even going to think about taking my dog on long walks. I promised myself rest. My body insisted on it. I could feel the longing in my muscles. I could feel the longing in my eyelids, and my brain, and my sense of humor. My feet were exhausted from being in tennis shoes. My traps were exhausted from over use. My legs were feeling weak and small.
So I gave it all a break. I just stopped everything. No questions asked. No excuses. It was time to rest.
ReadyForEMMAthing with some super sweet sick cuddles on May 8... My forever favorite sick buddy.
For the next week, I got a lot of my classes at GetFit615 covered and committed myself to my bed for the better part of the morning, sometimes the afternoon, and especially the early evening. By week two, I was teaching classes again, but I wasn’t having meetings and I still wasn’t exercising or really using my body at all. By week three, I was canceling plans with friends and continuing the intimate relationship with the insides of my eyelids.
At the beginning of week four, I finally committed to yoga - a heated and powerful practice at Shakti Power Yoga. I felt like a million bucks while it was happening! I flipped my wheel in all sorts of directions! I was inverted and standing on my forearms and going places I had never been before. After practice I thought that I was healed and just ready to jump right back into my body and into my regularly scheduled sweat routine. But my body had a different message - please wait. I was lightheaded, extremely dizzy, and mentally foggy. I needed water, and I needed sleep. I continued practicing throughout the week in the heated room, but I let myself move slowly and gently. At this point, movement felt nice and so did sweating. And the truth? My ass hurt from sitting so much.
I could go on and on and tell you about week 5 and 6 as I’ve eased back into working out again and how I finally feel great and how much I’ve missed feeling soreness in my muscles, but the point of this story is a little bit different.
Never in my entire life have I ever allowed myself to not even consider working out.
There’s always been an excuse for not working out: I’m tired, I’m sick, I don’t want to, I ran this morning, I didn’t eat much today so I don’t need to, I lost 5 pounds last week, it’s not bathing suit season… the list goes on and on. But this time it was different. I didn’t make any diet culture bullshit excuses (like every single one of those listed above**), I made a choice, NOT an excuse. My body was asking, pleading with me, to slow down. And this time, for the first time, I answered her with love, instead of hate and shame and fatphobia.
And you know what didn’t happen during these 3 weeks of rest?! I didn’t gain 100 pounds, I didn’t lose all of my muscle mass, I didn’t get weak, I didn’t get “out of shape.” I didn’t forget how to do kettlebell swings.
And you know what did happen?! I listened to my body. I rested. I ate foods that made me feel good. My body feels stronger now than did before. I am excited to exercise. I feel powerful in my physical ability. I feel proud of myself! I teach this lesson: listen to your body. I feel proud of myself that I do listen to mine often, even though society gives every reason not to.
I want to tell you this story to let you know that, as a gym owner, as a “fitness professional,” the single best reason to move your body is because it makes you feel good. And sometimes moving your body DOESN’T make you feel good. It can make you feel worse. That’s the reality. Buddha says, “If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” Flight attendants say, “In the event of an emergency, please put on your oxygen mask before assisting others.” Marianne Williamson says, “Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine.”
The most effective way to stay "fit" is to do movement that you love with people that you love. That’s the bottom line. How many steps you take in a day does not matter nor define you. How many calories you burn or don’t burn does not matter nor define you. How many inches there are around your waist doesn’t matter nor define you. Your friends matter. Your family matters. Your heart and soul matter. Your passion matters. YOU matter. YOU feeling ALIVE matters. Your freedom matters. And the vessel for all of that goodness is YOUR body. Love her. Take care of her. Be kind to her. Advocate for her. Listen to her as she tells you exactly what she needs from you.
Handstand Parties at Heartfelt on June 11 with Ruby! It's a great day to play :) And yes, I didn't nail this handstand - or any other ones that day - also that doesn't matter nor does it define me. My willingness to play, empower others, and step outside of my comfort zone does matter.
** Excuse (n.) a reason or explanation put forward to defend or justify a fault or offense.
** Choice (n) an act of selecting or making a decision when faced with two or more possibilities.
example: I choose to do this today because this is what I need. I choose not to do this today because that is what I need.
“You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness.”
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.”