This weekend has been full of rain and snuggles (with my dog). And with wedding showers and baby happiness and friends that I don't often get to see but they make me laugh and laugh. And now I'm at home. It's raining outside and I'm listening to Sara Bareilles and I'm having some feelings.
I'm feeling a lot of change. I'm feeling that I would rather hold puppies right now because I don't know what to do when a baby cries. I'm feeling a lot of comfort. I'm feeling a bit of a disconnect. I'm feeling included. I'm feeling young.
I'm feeling that two years ago at this time, this group of friends that I got to spend the better part of my weekend with, would have been that group of girls that closed down Tootsies, or worse, Paradise Park. We would have been laughing and dancing and making late-night memories, or worse, early morning ones.
And there's this part of me that misses that. It's this part that remembers how much fun that was. I remember the laughs and the ridiculous stories and ridiculous boys. And don't even get me started on the videos... (Liz, you share that and I will send someone after you). I don't remember the hangovers. I don't remember the aching feet.
But at 11pm on Saturday night, we all turned into pumpkins and called an Uber at 11:01 and were asleep by 11:30 (after a shower of course, because who can sleep smelling like cigarettes). And that's where we are now. And we're all happy. We're all really happy. We're all feeling really fulfilled.
There's this sense of comfort and confidence and peace within this group of friends that seems to have settled over us like a fluffy summertime cloud within the past few years. Perhaps a more appropriate metaphor would be that of a soft and motherly swaddling blanket. We all seem to have figured out who we are and what we're meant to do. Some of us have completely changed career paths. Some of us travel where ever we can and whenever we can. Some of us can't wait for babies. Some of us have just bought houses. Some of us have taken out our belly button rings. Actually, I think we've all done that :)
I thought that I grew up at 17, but I think it's happening now. It's happening when I see my friends get promotions and published for it. It's happening when the cake is blue on the inside. It's happening when I see my friend breastfeeding the most perfect human in the world that she and her husband created. It's happening when I'm the one at the party holding the puppy and making the baby laugh from a distance. It's happening when we all show up in flats. It's happening when we realize that we all left our phones in our purses because we were all actually present with each other. It's happening when we look for the least crowded bar. It's happening when we gift from the registry instead of from the whatever - the - hell - you - want list. It's happening when my eyes close at 9pm and my alarm goes off at 4:45am. It's happening when I sit down with my brand new staff at GetFit615 on a Sunday morning and nothing has ever felt more right. It's happening every day that I wake up and know that I'm doing something right because I feel happy.
It's happening. This is the first time in my life that I when I say something or do something, I have an awareness of why and whether or not it actually makes me happy. The "rules" of life and BEing are so much more clear - it's either love or fear. And a lot of the time I choose love. Sometimes I choose fear, but that's a work in progress. I used to have a lot of rules. There used to be a lot of "hard nos" and "hard yes'" but there are a lot less of those now. It's a hard no that I want to close down Losers on a Tuesday though... that one used to be a hard yes. I'm more open to both sides of the story. My response is more gentle and less defensive. I still have specific opinions on things, as I always will, but my strong opinions have holes for sure, and I recognize that and that's so SO freeing. I learn something new every single day. I know that I'm growing up because I recognize that I'm not always right and I don't have to be right. In fact, there are some things that I don't even have to have an opinion on at all! I don't even have to think about that! Whew. Ain't that a relief?!
Everyone in this group are in different places in life: Some have babies. Some are pregnant. Some are dating. Some are married. Some are hammered. Some own houses. Some drink tea. Some are moving. Some are single. Some own businesses. Some are traveling. Some are climbing the ladder. Some are starting charities. Some go to shows. Some run the shows. But we're all still friends. We all still want to spend time in each others lives, even though it seems like it never actually gets to happen, there's still a lot of love.
So right now I'm on my couch with my dog and my slippers. While others are probably on the couch with their husbands and their slippers and a onesie that she got today for their brand new baby boy. Or snuggled up with her fiance. Or smooching with her husband. Or laughing and drinking wine with her roommate-for-life. Or driving home with her three month old baby girl all by herself because her husband couldn't make it this weekend - a trip that would normally take 4 hours but that now takes 7 because, once your a mom, everything has changed.