Here you are. You successfully convinced yourself to get on a yoga mat. You finally resolved that your life is so stressful, so busy, so anxious, so exhausting that, heck, what can it hurt? Besides, everyone's talking about it. Plus, you work out. "I'm not flexible," you say, just to make sure no one expects as much as you do from this experience. "How hard can it be, really?"
For the next week, I got a lot of my classes at GetFit615 covered and committed myself to my bed for the better part of the morning, sometimes the afternoon, and especially the early evening. By week two, I was teaching classes again, but I wasn’t having meetings and I still wasn’t exercising or really using my body at all. By week three, I was canceling plans with friends and continuing the intimate relationship with the insides of my eyelids
Living in Nashville has taught me more about myself than all of my years in other cities combined. Recently, Kate told me about Brene Brown’s definition of the difference between “fitting in” and “belonging.” My Nashville Story is learning this definition in its truest form
15+ years of negative self talk doesn't go away after changing your eating pattern for 30 days. It doesn't go away after 2 years of practicing positive self talk every single day. I'm not sure if it will ever go away. But I hear it less and I allow it to have less of an impact on me - also, I empathize with that part of myself. I sometimes go, "hey, we've been there. I understand what you're feeling. I don't agree with you and I won't allow you take over this moment or this day. But just know, I hear you and I hate that you feel that way."
My circle of friends is small, but deep. And they strengthen and support me in countless ways (as I hope I also do for them). But I finally feel that sense of belonging. Of connection. Of settledness. I feel more anchored than I have in years, and as I approach my fifth Nashiversary, I do so with immense gratitude.
My heart discovered sunlight again in this little big town, with its creativity and innovation, its social mindedness and collaboration, its food scene and its musical pulse. And, most of all, its community.
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
- Mary Oliver "Wild Geese"
Alright so what I am going to do about this? Sit behind my computer and write about? Well obviously that’s where I’m starting, but I need to get back to basics and listen to my heart and what it needs. My verb for 2016 is “to ask”. I’m asking for help when I need it, asking for love when its necessary, asking for exactly what I want when I want it, asking for all the things, all the feels, and in my true voice that sometimes sounds like the way I think my dog sounds. I’m asking for friendship and connection without the assistance of my iPhone or an app.
I am limitless, not just in the things I can do but in who I am. I cannot be one without the other and I am not a sum of the parts. I am not bits and pieces that have somehow made their way to one another and held on to my ginger curls for dear life. I am whole. There is only one of me and I don't intend to assume I am not necessary or loved or wanted or enough. Because if I weren't necessary or loved or wanted or enough, I wouldn't be here.