Photographers: Let's Talk About This Word "Flattering"

If you ever come to any of my classes, or any of my retreats, or hang out with me basically... ever, you'll know how important I find language to be. I think that the words we use should be the words that we mean... that we ought to be intentional in our movements, and in our language, and in our actions. Does this mean I never fuck up my movements, language, or actions? NOT AT ALL. I fuck up all the time. Alllll the time. 

A few weeks ago, I posted the following on Instagram, and if you go through the comments, you'll notice that it struck a chord... 


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Recently, someone was trying to take my photo while i was teaching at getFIT615 but they didn’t want to take a photo of me doing what I was about to do because it wouldn’t have been very “flattering.” My job as a trainer, business owner, fitness professional, yoga teacher, or human being, isn’t to be able to take flattering photos... in fact, that’s literally why I love movement: because it’s not about what you look like.

One thing that I really like about myself is that I’m way awesomer than just “flattering.” I’d call myself kind, funny, compassionate, and authentic. I work very hard and i have a huge capacity for love. I like that I stand for what I believe in and speak up for myself and others without hesitation - even if it makes someone else uncomfortable.

And speaking of being uncomfortable, I’m no longer uncomfortable in my own skin and I hope that for every flattering photo that’s out there of me in the world, you know that there are at LEAST a gagillion moments like this one that my friends aren’t afraid of capturing where Im asleep at boat day with a terrible hangover after I had a rare and extremely unflattering night out in Midtown with some of the best girls around. 


Some responses that I'd like to share with you:

"yeah, what's wrong w this pic? Your legs even look shaved... sweet baby Kate."

"this IS flattering. You are gorgeous. Perfect skin smile, hair, lips, good sense of style. Your personality is amazeballs. You are a total 10 and you need to take a different picture if you are gonna play the "unflattering game." Let me show you how sometime..."

"except I SUPER love this pic of you.."

"who said there was something wrong with this picture?!"

"I'm sure the person taking the photo didn't mean anything by it..."

"I bet other fitness people always want to make sure they look good so, makes sense that he wanted to capture you at your best."


I'd like to respond to all of those comments in bulk - 

And first of all, this is not a case of the well-intentioned man vs. the man-hating nasty woman. Just to go ahead and get that out of the way. This is a case of the, “This is about something bigger and I’d like to share a personal experience so that we may bring this to light and all learn something together.”

Next, I'd like to share what I learned personally from this moment: when the photographer said the word "flattering" I shut the fuck down. I didn't know what to say to him. I think I stared at him in shock because it brought up every single bit of body shame and fear and not-enoughness that I have and I didn't know what to say to him other than, "well then do you think you have enough photos because I have a lot of other things that I've got to do today." Kate of 4 years ago may have brushed it off and might not have even noticed that it made her feel like shit. But in that moment a few weeks ago, I knew it made me feel like shit, but I didn't know how to unpack that and respond openly. I shut down and walked away. Moving forward in a situation like that, I will take a deep breath before responding at all - and next, I might take a moment to clarify with the photographer and find out what specific shots he's looking for and also a few things that are important for me to portray when being photographed. Because obviously those things weren't clear for either of us - so of course we were clashing.

 

Language is so important because something that I learned from this whole conversation is that, as a whole, we equate "flattering" with "good", and "unflattering" with "bad." But all flattering means is:

Flattering : Adjective : enhancing someone's appearance.

And when what we see the most is "enhanced appearance," it's easy to understand how we can be damaged by that and forget that the “not-enhanced appearance” is actually what we look like. We forget that photos capture a fleeting moment, and that in those moments, our bodies and faces are mid-movement, mid-expresesion, mid-moment. And the beautiful pieces of photography are those mid-instances where an expression is taking place and it's captured in a single image - a single mid-moment. It's incredible that we have the ability to do that.

Right now, in our lives, we are looking at mid-moments all day every day - it's ads, it's social media, it's memes, it's quotes, it's stories... and so often, we think that's it. That photo or that quote captured the whole moment, the whole thought, the entire emotion, the full experience. But it can't... it never does. And that's ok... that's why photography is often so beautiful, and why quotes can be so meaningful, and why stories always look so fun. But we have to know that's not the full story. We're used to sharing and seeing our best, our most flattering… but this is us just sharing an "enhanced appearance" of our lives.

And if we’re always sharing and seeing the “best versions of ourselves,” then we begin to assume that the normal stuff or heaven forbid, the “bad” stuff, isn’t worth sharing - that it’s not good enough to be shared and to be seen.

Just how the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference, the opposite of flattering is not un-flattering, it’s just… us. The non-enhanced version of our lives isn’t bad. It's just not enhanced.

But we assume a lot about language - a lot of people felt that I was saying that this was an unflattering photo of myself. That I was saying, "Look! A bad photo of me!" But that's not what I meant and it's not what I said because I don't think this is a bad photo of me. I think this photo is adorable and tells this sweet story: I went on a boat day with my friends while I had a terrible hangover. Am I bummed that I drank too much the night before and couldn't engage with my friends the next day? Of course. But my friends took care of me, gave me coconut water, and let me sleep while they all jumped off the boat and ate delicious snacks... they also took this picture of me and texted it back and forth to each other and laughed about it. It also reminds me how much fun I had the night before. I like this photo… and that reminds me, I like my friends. 

The other thing that came up for people is that it felt like I was shitting on the person taking pictures in the beginning of the post - I'm not. I’m speaking to something much larger than this one photographer. AND, in that moment that happened in the getFIT615 space was very upsetting for me. My goal in creating the getFIT615 space, is to create a space where people feel safe and brave in their bodies and where people are seen as a human being instead of just a cumulation of body parts, and in an instant, with a single word, I felt reduced to my outer appearance. The story I created in the moment was, "my body, as it is, is not enough and I have to look better doing what I like doing." But that isn't what the photographer said and I recognize that. However, this speaks to a much larger issue - this is an experience of sexism - and it’s an experience of most woman in this world on a regular basis. Honestly, and as a woman in this world, for me, it's exhausting.

That’s why understanding the difference between intent and impact is critical: it can quite literally be the difference between suffering and love.
— Vienna Pharaon
One doesn’t have to operate with great malice to do great harm. The absence of empathy and understanding are sufficient.
— Charles Blow

“I want to make sure what we’re getting is flattering” is not a phrase that anyone would say to a man - not in the fitness world. However, I would like to note right here and right now that men experience body shaming on a regular basis and it is extremely damaging as well - it’s damaging for both men and women and anyone identifying as either or neither. 

A man might hear, “I want to make sure you look strong.” You see a lot of men doing things in fitness photos - they’re lifting or jumping or running. What we see the most of in photos of women is some kind of yoga pose or static stretch with a smile on their face and no sweat on their bodies or clothes. Or honestly, a general photo of a woman's ass.

What this tells woman is that what they can do is not important - that what’s important about the female form is how it pleases the eye.

 

BUT PEOPLE WHAT I AM HERE TO TELL YOU IS THAT I DON’T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE OR HOW STRONG YOU ARE - I CARE ABOUT YOUR HEART.

 

Are you hurting?

How can I listen to understand you?

Are you well?

Are you happy?

Are you free?

Do you feel like you belong?

Are you loved?

How can I support you?

 

We get all messed up with our body image (and thus our relationship with movement, food, ourselves, each other, the world… this is a systems issue) when we are shown that what we look like is more important than who we are and what we are capable of. We are capable of such great things, but it’s impossible to ever get there if all we’re worried about is being flattering to each other. We can’t ever create real connection if we believe that our “best selves” is our real selves.

 

Elizabeth Gilbert has a book called “Big Magic.” In it she talks about the process of writing a book. She mentions that if she lets fear take the lead, she’d never be able to finish a book. It would never be good enough. There would always be something to change. So eventually, she just has to choose to let the book be complete as it is. And from there, it becomes the world's. People interpret it however they will, they love it, they hate it, it heals, it breaks hearts, it inspires… but in order to do that, she must, with great courage, choose to put her authentic work into the world.

 

In sharing this story about this photographer, I’ve had a lot of “Kate, he really didn’t mean it that way.” It makes people uncomfortable that I’m upset. I’ve been reminded how “nice” he is… and how “nice” other people are as well. If you know me at all, you’ll know that I like people, 90% of the time I like people and think they’re nice… but next, they must be kind, authentic, compassionate, consistent.

 

The “nice” vs. “kind” thing is something for another post but…

Nice is not the same as kind.

Nice is not the same as ethical.

Nice is not the same as moral.

The older I get, the less interested I am in “nice.”

Nice is the gift wrap; it says nothing about what’s inside.
— Cora Harrington

On second thought, perhaps we don’t need a whole post from me about nice vs. kind… Cora really crushed it there.

scream so that one day

a hundred years from now

another sister will not have to

dry her tears wondering 

where in history 

she lost her voice.
— Jasmin Kaur
Nice does not equal not racist
— Rachel Elizabeth Cargle

Read more about Rachel Cargle and her work as an activist, writer, and speaker here. Rachel will be a guest lecturer at the Leadership Retreat on October 20. 

You will never regret standing up for yourself or standing up for someone else. We always have the ability to use our light and our words to protect ourselves and our neighbors from harm. When we allow hurtful or negative behavior to pollute the environment around us, we do a disservice to everyone. No one deserves to be bullied, marginalized, or humiliated by others. Standing up for ourselves and others is something we can always be proud of. Do not allow for darkness to spread because of your silence. Shine light with your voice and your actions instead.
— Cleo Wade
I swore never to be silent whenever and wherever human beings endure suffering and humiliation. We must always take sides. Neutrality helps the oppressor, never the victim. Silence encourages the tormentor, never the tormented.
— Elie Wiesel
It takes years as a woman to unlearn what you have been taught to be sorry about.
— Amy Poehler

In conclusion, I’m not sorry that I was offended when I experienced sexism and body shame. I’m also not sorry that I’m talking about it - because when we don’t talk about things like this we can’t grow.

I want to share this with the fitness community because I love the fitness community - so much. I also love myself as a woman and this is important work for me to do as an individual. Every time I make a stand for women, I'm making a stand for myself. Because if I don't stand up for myself, nobody will. And if I'm able to stand up for myself, then I'm certainly able and privileged enough to stand up for others.

If I didn't love this community, or if it weren't important work for me personally, then I wouldn't bother with any of it. I'd just keep it to myself like I would have the first 24 years of my life... but that's not who I am now. I'm growing too - and damn is it uncomfortable sometimes. But I'll always choose it anyway.

Kate Moore